There's so many things about motherhood I still do not get. Though I'm strong physically, emotionally, and mentally, motherhood knocked me out good. It's November 25, 2016 and I don't remember the last time I wasn't tired ever since I became a mother.

I'm exhausted but I've also never been this happy since Julian was born. This boy came along and changed our lives, especially mine, forever. I certainly became better because of him. I practically had no choice but to step up my game because Julian deserves nothing but the best from me. Aside from him being my kid, he's the sweetest, most loving person that came into my life.

Months before July, he'd do a birthday countdown! While I want to give him a lavish party, I know it would be unwise to do so. I love this kid so much but I would never spoil him. So the plan was to greet him with a cake, take him to school, pick him up then go swimming, then have dinner.

Chocolate caramel cake from Aggy's. Super yummy!

He was all smiles when he went up and saw his first cake on the table.

Picking him up from school is so fun 'cause he'd be so happy to see me.

His favorite thing to do, swim!

Waiting for our turn. He said he just wanted to eat at McDo but immediately changed his mind when he saw what's inside Viking's.

Super gutom.

Of course his plate was full of bbq! Me: O eto 200, mag-McDo ka na. Julian: Eeeeeehhhhh.. I love it here! Where's the fried chicken at?

One of my faves!

Our favorite spot

I loved the fudge and pudding best.

This makes everything right in the world tbh!

Super pagod from swimming, then super busog with dinner, ayan bagsak!

We really hope he had a good time. We're celebrating again, this time with the whole family, this coming weekend at Neil's Kitchen. Hopefully, we'll be able to throw a big party next year since it's his 10th. I'm sure he'd love it if he can invite his friends and classmates to a party. What's a good theme???

Happy ninth birthday Julian. We are all so lucky to have you. I feel so relieved, so proud, and so happy that you are my son. You'll always be my rock and my guiding star. Thank you very much for everything you do for me kiddo. I love you to the moon and back pudgy. Happy birthday!

I haven’t checked my other email account for a long time and when I finally did, I saw an email from a complete stranger telling me about her struggle as a single mom because her husband decided to leave her and their kid. Or something to that effect. She didn’t really go into the details. At first, I didn’t think it was for me, because why would anybody send me one?! The sender found my blog somehow and said that she can relate to me.

Towards the end, she asked how I was able to go through all of it and how I eventually became okay. I had to go through all my previous posts and check what I have written because I was pretty sure it didn’t look like I had it together during those days.

So for you, my first ever letter sender, the answer is I don’t really know. It took me a while to get my footing, that’s for sure. I don’t think there’s an easy way out. This would sound really sick, but you have to deal with the bullshit and pain head on just so you know exactly why you have to get out. You have to hit rock bottom so you know why you don’t want to be there again.

I’m sure you’ve read this somewhere and people have already told you that you should just value yourself more and believe that you deserve better. That you and your kid don’t need this kind of man. There’s a reason why everybody’s telling you that, because it’s true.

I promise you sister, the moment you start ignoring him and making yourself better, he will suddenly become insignificant in your life. Distract yourself. Put your attention elsewhere. Go out with friends, find a hobby, get a pet, work out, spend more time with your child, bond with your family, go to the salon, travel, enroll in crash courses. Be better at your job or learn a new skill. Your options are limitless!

I’m very sure you feel like you can’t do a thing but cry and sob and feel sorry. That’s fine, but you have to tell yourself repeatedly that you can’t be like this forever because it's so damn unfair to yourself, to the people who truly care about you, and most importantly to your kid.

Be proud of the love you gave this son of a bitch, but let it be just that. Give him all the love you can give but never give away your self-respect and dignity.